Sunday, October 22, 2017

The water hit the bottom of the porcelain like a damn breaking free from it's confines. As she watched the water rise higher she felt everything she'd been postponing to feel come slowly to the surface. Every tear hastily wiped away, every sob swallowed, every scream choked. For every dark corner in her heart and mind she turned on lights. It was time to feel before she lost her mind. She stood in the bright white of the bathroom stark naked, feeling the heat of her body bleed out through her pores. She raised her right leg and slowly lowered her foot to the water; big toe entering first, then the second, third, forth and fifth until her entire foot, up till the ankle was submerged. She knew instantly that she'd made it too hot. It was scalding. On reflex her body wanted to whip her foot right back out but she pushed past the prickling sensation. It would soon pass - and besides, it was good to feel something other than numb. She placed her right foot at the bottom of the tub, raised her left leg and placed that foot too, at the bottom of the tub. For a moment she just stood there, reveling in the feeling of the burn. She turned right, bent down to place both hands on either side of the tub and lowered herself slowly into the steaming liquid. For a brief moment her mind flickered to her knowledge of burns and the temperature your skin could handle before it became first, second or even third degree burns, but before the thought even left her mind her skin was acclimatizing to the temperature. She lay back, letting the water raise over her thick thighs, over her well fed belly, envelope her shoulders. She directed her gaze towards the ceiling, watching the tendrils of steam rise. She thought about the boy she should love, and the boy she did and let out a sigh; her breath mixing in with the steam. She thought about the pain she felt and the pain she didn't want to cause. She thought about her selfishness and the choices she would have to make - sooner rather than later. She inhaled, her breath catching in the throat. She exhaled shakily as she felt her heart contract. She waited for the sob to surface but surprisingly she kept on breathing without interruption. She'd left it for far too long - the time to grieve had passed. She could feel the sadness, but tears would not be shed any longer. She knew she'd have to say goodbye. And for the first time in a long time she found that her heart had said the goodbyes before he head had. She knew it was the right thing to do, if felt right. But the little selfish, lonely girl within didn't want to let go yet. She had to learn to grow up, she had to learn to let go. Life wasn't a fairy tale, it wasn't a romantic comedy. You don't get the things you want just by wishing for it. Yes, sometimes the universe gave you what you were hoping for but generally you have to put in the long yards. And sometimes hard work doesn't pay off. So it was time to let it go. Let him go. Sweat it all out, and watch it rise and float out the window with the rest of the steam. She lay in the water for what felt like ages. Waiting for it too get to cool for it to be pleasant anymore. Finally she sat up, blood rushing too her head too quickly making her head stuffy and her vision swim. Pass out, pass out right now she thought with a macabre grunt. Imagine that was how she went. Blood pressure, heat and fast motion was a lethal weapon. With her right hand she groped below the surface of the water and pulled the plug. That was how she sat, legs pulled up to her chest, chin resting on her knees, watching the water lower as it drained out, down the sink taking with it all the things she didn't want to feel - and now no longer had to.  

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